Collins Park

I’ve been stubborn. The little things that don’t matter, I’ve let them upset me. And all this has built up to where the excitement, the passion, it is lost. I didn’t see it coming. I’ve suffocated you. I should have realized.

You need your room to express yourself. And THAT is your beauty. THAT is what makes my heart melt when I see you or think of you. But now its reached a point where being with you could be out of the picture. And its because of how I’ve been.

I remember the time when you’d tell people, “I love him” with a smile. I wish we could rewind to the part at the beginning when I wasn’t such a butt nugget, when we truly were best friends. Where we just had fun and everything was good. Perfect <3

honest joy

Hey hey guys.

i'm so joyful.

i hadn't been for a little while. i mean i felt pretty uneasy about stuff especially feeling that i hear God when i talk to him. honestly it kinda felt like i was almost talking to myself. I didn't want to feel like that anymore cause its a very uncomfortable place to be. I didnt know what to do or how to think. i tried to just like switch into a mindset of being joyful. but that was me trying to do it on my own. i felt the same.

then i was talking to my girlfriend about her lesson she was preparing for a bible study later that night and she shared with me some scripture that she was going to use. so i read it, it was in Psalm. i read a little note off on the side of my Bible and it referenced Psalm 30 so i turned to Psalm 30.

keep in mind, i feel down still and feel like i'm not hittin the nail on the head.

so i prayed and was completely honest with God and admitted that i cannot figure out this problem, i am so small. i told God that i need him to even be able to love him. i cried out to God and asked for it to make sense. i asked for joy to be in my heart cause i cant put it there myself, i just have to be willing to accept the joy from God and not be blind to it.

"I have no reason not to be joyful. I'm surrounded by people who love me and a God who loves me." 

thats an accurate quote from a very special person. its pretty true. i mean we should take joy in everything. count it all joy. cause even if its hard, that builds character. even if we mess up. we gotta repent and learn from the mistake we made and kill it head on the next time we're in that position. 

maybe you hear God speaking to you too i hope you hear him. and that you might be filled with joy too. joy that doesn't go away.

after reading those two passages in Psalm, i prayed some more. i prayed for joy and belief.

Check out Psalm 30 and Psalm 77 cause they really are exactly how i felt and feel now. they will probably help a lot if you're feeling down or feeling like something is wrong but you dont quite know what it is.

you might wanna just sit and have some quiet time, talk to God and honestly talk to God, let him talk back to you. if it doesn't seem like its "working," you might just want to try honestly asking God to let you hear him. then sit and have faith in him. you gotta believe.

if you've been struggling than go pray. God is good and faithful.

what're you gonna do?

I am disrespectful. to my father and mother. to my girlfriend. love involves no disrespect. i am disrespecting myself. i hinder myself from growing and maturing. Most of all, i disrespect God. The One who GAVE ME LIFE, the One who SAVES MY ASS WHENEVER I SCREW UP, and i don't respect that so much that treat his daughter like i have? or that i treat my parents with utter disrespect? these are ones who raised me to love God, there is NO better gift that someone on this earth could ever give to another. i have had the audacity to just ignore wisdom. i am selfish. i don't deserve her. even my punishment is a cost to the ones who love me most. i am absolutely blessed with the love i have received from God through gifts, the people surrounding me, THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME...i have tromped that love like its dirt. I AM SELFISH. its time for a total radical change in my life. I CANT BE THIS WAY ANYMORE. Dad, you're right.


I'm frustrated with myself because of what I've done. well no more.
i must give up myself, i am nothing. nothing produces nothing. When i start relying on myself fully is when it gets bad.
my judgement calls are off, my vision blurred, its dangerous. i WILL NOT take that risk again. i know how it is to try to take it on myself and it doesn't turn out well.


serious steps will be taken in my life so that i love honestly and completely, so that i treat my parents, my girlfriend, just people in general BETTER than they deserve. 
serious steps will be taken so that i will personally grow and mature so that i can be a REAL 
Godly man and not a faker that i have been. for you who are reading this please pray for me and hold me accountable as i cannot do this myself. i need others to keep me in check. I believe God will change things. He gives me the ability to change.


thank you brothers and sisters for praying for me. I lift you all up in prayer that have similar situations in your life. I love you as a brother in Christ. My hope is that God speaks to you through this testimony of mine. and that this might help and encourage you. I hope that, for all who have struggles, you put your hope and faith in God alone. He does ask some work on your part so you must be willing.


gotta depend on God to do something in your life that you could never do. i give up, i know i cant do it myself. God is so good.
I'm excited for change and to truly live righteous and pure. the glory is God's.

i speak from my heart. i hope you see that.